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3 Marriages in 10 Years

Beyond Contracts and Expectations
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"If you’ve got a problem, yo, Danya’ll solve it
Check out her site while the community revolves it."

Danya and I first met in Summer 2012 in Malmö, Sweden at my favorite conference in the world - The Conference. Please make an effort to attend if you can. We met on-stage as fellow thought-leaders panelists discussing hyphenations such as: hyper-local, peer-to-peer, market-places, access-not-ownership, community-building.

Our second and final meeting was in December 2013 during one of Danya’s Pop-up Shabbat dinners in Brooklyn.

Fast forward 12 years and here we are - talking again. It’s as if we are on our third relationship or something ……

Stay tuned for more Danya in the coming days. Tell your Mamas, Papas and your Bubby too.

In the meantime some real talk down below 👇🏽

Soundtrack: Figurines - Silver Ponds (Ben Watt Dub)
 Hope
  you
   make
    it 
     to 
      your 
       Silver
        Pond.

It’s hard to get people to subscribe to stuff.

Marriage is one of society’s oldest institutions, yet its meaning and purpose are constantly evolving. For many, marriage is defined by legal documents, religious rituals, and a set of cultural expectations that shape how we view commitment, happiness, and even our own identities. But what if the true essence of marriage lies not in these external markers, but in the lived reality of the relationship itself?

Just shy of a decade of marriage and a variety of therapy, I’ve found myself questioning the traditional frameworks that have long defined what it means to be married. Therapy has been a catalyst for this reflection, opening my mind to the possibility that a successful partnership doesn’t have to fit a single mold. Instead, it can be a dynamic, evolving relationship—one that prioritizes love, respect, and shared values over rigid adherence to convention.

The Weight of Expectations

One of the most challenging aspects of marriage is the burden of expectations—those we inherit from our families, cultures, and even ourselves. These expectations can be both explicit and unspoken, shaping everything from how we handle conflict to how we define intimacy and success.

In my own experience, I’ve seen how unmet expectations—on both sides—can lead to frustration and unhappiness. The pressure to conform to a particular vision of marriage can sometimes overshadow the unique strengths and needs of the individuals involved.

I’ve come to realize that flexibility and mutual respect are far more important than ticking every box on a checklist of what a marriage “should” be.

Rather than striving to “catch up” on lost time or force compromises that don’t feel authentic, I believe it’s more productive to focus on the areas where love and connection naturally flourish.

Shared Values, Different Paths

A recurring theme in my journey has been the role of value systems in shaping a marriage. While my partner and I share values we also have differences that are unlikely to be reconciled by sheer willpower.

For example, I value the ritual of family dinners, but I’ve learned that not every value can or should be imposed on the relationship. Instead, I’ve chosen to invest energy in the aspects of our partnership that bring us closer together, rather than dwelling on the areas where we diverge.

Intimacy, Growth, and Redefinition

Intimacy is another area where expectations and reality often collide. It’s easy to assume that a good marriage must include a certain kind of intimacy, but the truth is that relationships evolve. Sometimes, the traditional markers of closeness—like physical intimacy—may not be easily restored. That doesn’t mean love has disappeared; rather, it may be growing in new and unexpected ways.

This journey has led me to a simple but profound conclusion: marriage is not a static contract, but a living, breathing relationship. It’s shaped by the choices we make every day, the values we share, and the willingness to adapt as individuals and as a couple. The legal and religious frameworks matter, but they are not the whole story. What matters most is the commitment to nurture love, respect, and growth—on our own terms.

A Call for New Narratives

As we move forward, I believe it’s time to re-examine what marriage means in the modern world. Couples should feel empowered to define their own relationships, free from the weight of outdated expectations. Whether that means reimagining the structure of your partnership, focusing on co-parenting, or simply giving each other the space to grow, the goal should always be to foster a relationship that is authentic, resilient, and deeply rooted in mutual care.

Marriage, at its best, is not about fitting into a box. It’s about building something meaningful together—one conversation, one compromise, and one act of love at a time.

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Thanks for reading.

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