Why We Separate

I might be crazy, senses betray me
Are you parading all your lovers to bait me?
You only call me to drive you to safety
But you never stay, must be so easy to play me

-Tame Impala

Spoiler alert: You can’t avoid them. Venture capitalist, Mark Suster, popularized the term: grin fucker, which Urban Dictionary explains as:

“In business when someone smiles and shakes your hand assuring you that they have heard and will act upon your recommendation or concerns when in truth you have already been ignored and dismissed.

Manager Bob: “Our associates will not respond positively to further cuts in their benefits. I strongly recommend against it.”

Executive Dick: (Smiling, shaking Bob’s hand and massaging his shoulder)”Thanks Bob, we’ll take that under advisement. You know our employees are our most important asset.”

Dick then processes Bob’s pink slip and cuts non-management benefits by 30%.”

Expanding the definition outside of business:

“In business life when someone smiles and shakes your hand assuring you that they have heard and will act upon your recommendation or concerns when in truth you have already been ignored and dismissed.

Manager Friend or Husband Bob: “Our associates family and friendship will not respond positively to further cuts fights in their benefits. I strongly recommend against it.”

Executive Friend or Wife Dick Alice: (Smiling, shaking Bob’s hand and massaging his shoulder)”Thanks Bob, we’ll take that under advisement. You know our employees are friendship is our most important asset.”

Dick Alice then processes acts like a jerk to Bob’s pink slip and cuts non-management benefits by 30%.” ruining their friendship.

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Honor and emotion are two forces that shape how people make and keep promises. Honor implies a stable set of principles and follow-through: a person of honor does what they say they will do. Emotion, by contrast, can be volatile, shifting decisions like weather and undermining commitments made in calmer moments.

Between these poles sits the aforementioned common social phenomenon call “grin fucking”: the polite performance of agreement, accompanied by an inauthentic smile, that masks an absence of intention or conviction to follow through. There are moral and practical consequences of these different orientations. We need to keep self-reflecting to assess our own reliability in order to cultivate a more honorable life.

People motivated by honor operate from principles

Their decisions are legible to others because they form patterns: when they promise, they keep their word; when they commit, they deliver. The consistency builds trust - but alas some people are immune from appreciating people who show up.

People ruled by emotion are unpredictable

Emotions override prior commitments in ways that seem arbitrary or self-contradictory: excitement, fatigue, fear, or temptation redirect behavior away from earlier intentions. The result is a kind of instability in relationships and expectations.

Grin Fucking

The social cost of “Grin fucking” captures a specific, corrosive habit: saying the right thing in the moment while intending, or at least being prepared, not to follow through. Like alcohol, it’s a social lubricant. A smile and temporary acquiescence avoids confrontation, but it’s also counterproductive to trust. In friendships, marriages, and professional ties, performative agreement creates a gap between words and deeds. Over time that gap becomes visible: missed workouts, abandoned diets, RSVP’d obligations that vanish into cancellations. The small betrayals aggregate into the perception that someone cannot be relied upon.

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Self-awareness as an ethical practice An important first step is noticing our own patterns. Ask yourself: are you the person who can’t stick to a gym routine for more than a few weeks? Do you commit to social obligations because you know, intellectually, it’s how friendships are maintained, but then let emotions and “something coming up” derail you? If so, either your value system lacks firm principles or those principles are not internalized.

Being more aware allows for choice. If you value honor, you can begin to sketch out the principles that will guide your behavior and hold yourself accountable to them.

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