Since birth I’ve seen the world treat friction as the enemy. Removing it makes markets more efficient and our services more convenient. Life has become easier. In fact it has become so easy that major sources of stress emanate from being asked to do too much … because now we can.
Friction slows transactions and increases costs. But relationships lie in the balance of transactions and nothing worth having is free, hence it costs.
Friction or foe
Ordering from a real person, saying hello to the cashier, tipping a delivery driver, pausing to ask directions … these micro-interactions are small but the weak ties they create, glue society together. We have eliminated so much friction from our lives that it’s become difficult for us to form meaningful relationships.
We used to say hello, placing an order with a barista (a real human!), perhaps flirt with someone in line or talk about the big game last night, which we pretended to watch. All these elements carry atoms of social risk, focused attention and most importantly our valuable time.
Eliminating this friction squeezes mutual recognition out of our lives. The faces we pass each day become increasingly face-less and because we become invisible to each other in small, routine ways; we double-down on demanding from those already giving us so much.
As time passes we start distrusting even neighbors! Why bother leaving keys with a neighbor when I can call the locksmith on demand?
Trivialities are not trivial
Optimizing for transactional throughput at the expense of human contact is not teaching us how to be in the world together. It matters because networks of small talk create resiliency within us. I’ve often remembered a stranger’s smile as that day’s highlight. I wish it happened more. It also makes me happy when I remember to smile at strangers. I hope it happens more.
When we stop saying 👋🏽 to the person sweeping the street, we stop practicing small acts of consideration. As we lose a pattern of reciprocal minimal kindness it becomes harder to cooperate. We still need interactions (gimme gimme more), but we become more guarded about them. We begin by outsourcing civic functions to pros and helpers then continue through that gateway, paying for services formerly shared (and enjoyed) with friends. Now, we have individual lives that feel safer on paper but lacking informal support … and perhaps love?
Weak ties are rich in information. We learn about overhear new ideas when listening to and observing strangers.
The thrill of human serendipity degasses as the screens take over. We lose manners and precision. Do you say thanks to your AI? Do you end sentences with interrogative punctuation when it is required.
I didn’t think so
If daily life has fewer such moments of friction we also lose our social muscles for restraint. On-demand, on-demand, on-demand. Now! I love technology and I also have deep disdain for wasteful friction.
I’m realizing that civic friction can be a good thing, and I miss not having more of it in my life. I don’t think there is a cardinal list of good frictions; individually we need to be intentional about which ones we eliminate and proactive in seeking out the ones preserving.
Music: Clear Your Mind by Gunna
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